Out in the Open

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, sandwich aficionados, and culinary purists, I come to you today to settle an issue that has long divided backyard barbecues and baseball stands across this great nation. It's time we address the meaty matter head-on, with the unshakeable conviction of a mustard bottle at full squeeze: the hot dog is, beyond a shadow of a bun, a sandwich. With the 4th of July coming up, what better time to spring this rousing topic of discussion for your next BBQ? As fireworks light the sky, let sparks of debate fly over plates of grilled goodness. The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Sandwich First, let us consider the definition of a sandwich. According to the most erudite food scholars (and anyone who's ever had the pleasure of a PB&J), a sandwich is simply this: an edible delight consisting of food placed between slices of bread. Now, take a moment to visualize your typical hot dog. What do you see? A juicy sausage nestled lovingly in the embrace of a... what’s that? A bun? Aha, bread! But nay, say the skeptics, a bun is not two slices of bread, it is one piece, merely hinged at one side. To this, I raise the hinged submarine roll, a bread variety universally acknowledged as the vessel for sandwiches. Does its singular, hinged nature disqualify it from sandwich-dom? Certainly not. Therefore, the argument that a bun's architecture disqualifies the hot dog falls faster than ketchup from a poorly squeezed packet. The Cultural Culinary Construct Across the vast and varied tapestry of American cuisine, regional interpretations of what constitutes a sandwich abound. From the hoagie to the grinder to the po'boy, diversity thrives. The hot dog, in its simplicity and splendor, transcends these regional differences, a unifying force in a bun. Why, then, should it be exiled from the kingdom of sandwiches? To do so would be nothing short of gastronomic gerrymandering. The Legal Lettuce In a turn of events worthy of a daytime courtroom drama, even the law has tiptoed into the fray. The state of New York, a beacon of bagels and bodega sandwiches, taxes hot dogs as sandwiches. Yes, dear reader, the very institutions that govern our lands have spoken. If a hot dog is taxed as a sandwich, can we, mere culinary citizens, deny its sandwich status? An Inclusive Culinary Vision To deny the hot dog its rightful place in the pantheon of sandwiches is not merely a matter of semantics but of sandwich equality. By embracing the hot dog as a sandwich, we open our arms to a wider world of food fusion possibilities. Imagine, if you will, a world where hot dogs are topped not just with ketchup and mustard, but with sandwich staples like lettuce, tomato, and mayo. A world where the barriers between burgers and brats dissolve into delicious unity. Conclusion: Let Them Eat Hot Dogs (as Sandwiches) In conclusion, dear readers, the evidence is as clear as the relish on your next hot dog. From its structural integrity to its legal recognition and cultural significance, the hot dog not only meets the criteria of a sandwich but exemplifies the very spirit of sandwich-hood. Let us no longer deny what is fundamentally clear. Let us stand united, hot dog in one hand, sandwich in the other, and declare, once and for all, that a hot dog is indeed a sandwich. And to those who disagree, may you forever find your buns empty and your condiments runny. And so, with a wink and a nudge, we wrap up this culinary conundrum. While the hot dog's status as a sandwich may be debated in courts of law and public opinion, our spirited defense stands as a testament to the joys of satirical sandwich semantics. Whether you side with or against the notion, we hope you've enjoyed this saucy slice of sandwich satire. After all, in the grand dining hall of debate, isn't a little humor the most delightful dish of all? We wish all of you a happy and Safe 4th of July!!